Not-so-Fantastic Four set for 2015 Reboot

An embarrassingly biased report by Eric Wickham

It’s been nearly a decade since Marvel launched the original Fantastic Four movie. So I guess we are overdue for an absolutely unnecessary reboot of everybody’s favourite B-List superheroes. There’s the Thing, who’s ugly and is good at punching things; think the Incredible Hulk with a bad skin condition. Then there’s the Human Torch, he’s good at setting himself on fire and having a devil-may-care attitude. Next up is Mr. Fantastic, who is just splendid at putting cups away on the top shelf. Last but not least there’s the Invisible girl, whose superpower allows for escape from particularly awkward conversations.

invisible womanIf you have trouble recalling the entirely forgettable Fantastic Four movies, don’t blame yourself, they were both pretty terrible. Frankly, I’m astonished that anybody would try and make a new version of these movies since the other two were such miserable flops.

Hey, what do I know though?

I just write mean articles on the internet and on occasion throw an obscure reference into the mix for hipster cred.

I don’t know if you can tell, but I have no love for the Fantastic Four. None of them are interesting, compelling or relatable as human beings. They’re cardboard cut-out characters, unable to really draw an audience in or provide anything but their pre-generated clichéd speeches straight from the 1960’s. They aren’t an ideal we can strive towards like Superman, and they aren’t the Everyman people’s hero like Batman or Kickass. They aren’t charming or witty like Iron Man, and they don’t hold the Saturday morning cartoon nostalgia value of Spiderman or the X-Men.

What I’m trying to say is that although the last two Fantastic Four movies were poorly written, directed, edited and acted, it’s not entirely the cast and crew’s fault. The source material they have to work with is dated and doesn’t really speak to this generation; the bad guy’s name is Dr. Doom for God’s sake.

butters

So why make this movie?

Well, Disney has a stake in Marvel Studios now, and has the rights to an entire stable of characters, and they make a bigger profit through churning out terrible movies starring these licensed trademarks than they do sitting down doing nothing. Even if the movie sucks, they can make toys, costumes, and cartoons to sell to kids. They’re like little people, with little brains, and all their parent’s income at their disposal. There’s a demographic of people that sees all comic book movies regardless of quality, and those are children (man-children fit inside this sphere as well).

Of course surrounding every Marvel movie is a cloud of angry internet hate from fanboys and girls. Director Josh Trank, commander-in-chief on this new Fantastic Four project, has taken a barrage of nerd-rage over the rumour that Michael B. Jordan is being considered to play the part of Johnny Storm. In case you didn’t know, Jordan is black. Also he played Wallace in The Wire, and when Bodie and Poot shot him, part of me died (SPOILER ALERT).

black man meme

It was a tough couple of years, but I’m starting to get over it.

Now, take a moment for yourself to let the shock subside. For some unbeknownst reason Marvel and 20th Century Fox are giving the Fantastic Four franchise another shot, and instead of being grateful that millions of dollars are being funneled into a complete waste of film strictly for their enjoyment, fans are complaining that Johnny Storm might be black? Seriously? You guys don’t even deserve this movie.

I’m waiting for some of these people to realize that the Human Torch is a fictional character, and that the colour of a comic book character’s skin will not negatively affect their lives or the quality of the film  in any sort of way. The same sort of knee-jerk reaction cropped up when rumours circled around Donald Glover potentially playing Spiderman in its completely unnecessary 2012 reboot.

Fantastic Four is slated for release on January 8, 2015. The only thing that could possibly redeem this film for me is if Norm MacDonald’s Fantastic Four origin story somehow sneaks its way into it. Or you know, if the movie actually doesn’t suck.

When he’s not spending Valentine’s Day alone crying in Public, you can find Eric at Music Digs Audio Blog.

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